Aarrgghhh. Unmet Expectations!

Very little sucks the life out of us more than having others fail to deliver on our expectations. Examples include: Expecting, then not receiving, feedback from the boss on a report we put our heart and soul into; being left out of a meeting we thought we’d be invited to; having someone fail to return a phone call or email; not getting paid on time; having someone “mess up” work that we had gone over with them before, etc., etc.

Unmet expectations are such a real and common part of life. Our ability to respond effectively– as our own Fierce Partner in these situations – which is key to our productivity, well being, and our relationships with others - is the focus of this blog posting.

Promises, promises

We base our expectations on what we believe others will do, and when and how they will do it. The when element may only exist in the labyrinth of our mind, but it does exist. The “how” part refers to the manner or style in which we think something will be done. If I order a meal in a restaurant, I don’t just expect the plate of food I requested, I expect it to be fresh, tasty, delivered in a reasonable time frame, and in an appropriately professional manner by the wait staff.

We operate, even if it’s unwitting on our part, as if a promise was made to us, then broken. Here it gets sticky! Often, a promise was never made. Or, there was an implicit (tacit, or unspoken) rather than explicit promise. Nowhere on the wall or on the menu or in the Customer Bill of Rights statement they hand out when you enter the restaurant  does it say, “Your food shall always be delivered promptly and professionally and with a smile by your wait staff.” Yet, we expect that. And it sets us up for … you guessed it! An unmet expectation.

Other times, our expectations are based on an explicit promise such as, “I’ll get the latest sales numbers to you by noon on Wednesday.” Promises matter: we make our plans accordingly. If I don’t get paid in a timely way, it messes up my promises to make my mortgage payment, pay my credit card bill, etc.

When our expectations aren’t met, we’re likely to be disappointed and quite possibly, angry. It can get personal in a hurry. We feel violated, victimized. Righteous indignation may follow. “This is wrong. And I’m annoyed. How dare they?!”
Being angry doesn’t occur for us like an option. It just happens naturally. However, if we’re interested in resolving the situation, and especially if we’re interested in the future of our relationship with someone, we need to apply some wisdom. We need a Fierce Partner strategy aimed at turning people who could end up as adversaries into partners.

Out to Get You?

First, some perspective. Mostly, people do not deliberately go about trying to mess up our day (or life or career). Your colleague, when he gets up in the morning, doesn’t say, “Today’s the day I’m going to ignore all the promises I made at our last meeting (especially the ones I made to Robert. That’ll really bother the guy. Hah!”).

So, suppose we start with the notion that most people have good intentions. However, they may:
- Underestimate the time needed to do the job;
- Underestimate or misunderstand the resources needed; and
- Have no system in place for registering and following through on their commitments.

In addition, people may:
- Be unclear what exactly was expected of them in the first place;
- Find it difficult to speak up before they commit to doing something; and
- They may even be oblivious to our expectations in the first place!

As a Fierce Partner, we consider that our relationships do matter – and I’m a believer in the axiom that “relationships are the foundation for our accomplishments” - the best course of action is to talk and get to the heart of the matter together. While damage may already have been done, we still have a chance to learn our way forward from the breakdown so we can put adjustments in place for a better future.

Have the Conversation

The first step is to invite the person (or people) who did not meet your expectation into a conversation with you. The spirit of the invitation is key. No one will want to join you in a make-wrong session. Once you’re together, acknowledge that something you expected would be done or said, wasn’t, that it’s had a damaging impact (be specific about what this was), and that you are interested in talking about that.

Announce that your goal is to come away with a clear understanding of what happened so you can find a mutually acceptable way to resolve it. Let others know that this has the potential of shifting how you’ll go about working together in the future. This approach implies that you, too, in ways small or large, have helped contribute to the misunderstandings. The willingness to acknowledge your responsibility is key.

When the right people, i.e. the stakeholders, are involved together in this conversation, you’re able to start establishing a clear, accurate picture of what happened. It’s akin to creating a mosaic. Everyone adds a piece with their version of the events. Finding out the facts that underpin each of these versions helps ground you and all concerned. A fact can include someone sharing, “when I didn’t hear back from you, I assumed this work was no longer a priority.” Staying with the facts helps help you start to distinguish things that led to the unfulfilled expectations in a way that repeating and arguing for your positions or points of view seldom do.

It’s also a good idea, when leading people through this process, to actively look for insights into the thinking and beliefs that governed people’s actions - yours and theirs. E.g. You might share that “the whole time, I just knew this was headed for the rocks.” That belief may lead you into territory with significant implications. So, a willingness to lead by example and be open and curious is very important here.

Once the picture is clear you’re better positioned to sort out next steps. Some genuine apologies may be in order at this point. They may apologize to you for not informing you that they would not meet their promise. You may need to apologize for assuming they had enough time to fulfill it. Apologizing is powerful. It can help wipe the slate clean.

The learning and discovery you’re doing serve as a springboard for a more powerful way of partnering. Oftentimes, people will make commitments. E.g. “I’ll make sure I go through my slides with you before the next presentation to make sure we’re in synch.” Or, “I will double-check with Jean to make sure he is available to provide admin. support so we don’t run into that problem again.”

Commitments not only bind us, they are a expression of our intent to work together. We are committing to deliberately create our future rather than drift into it. It’s often valuable to include in our commitment a process for checking in along the way. This has us spot and head off potential breakdowns when there’s still time to do something about them.

An enormous benefit of this Fierce Partner approach is that we’re acting to restore trust in and respect in one another. Trust and respect are frequent casualties of having unfulfilled expectations, and doubly so, when we don’t address them. Anytime people come away from a breakdown stronger and better equipped to work together, faith in each other and the future, grows.

Developing our capacity to have a Fierce Partner conversation will transform the quality of our relationships and our results.

If you would like a copy of the form I’ve created to help guide clients through this Fierce Partner conversation, let me know!